Monday, May 9, 2011


Tomorrow we will have an ultrasound for this pregnancy. Routine for many, a bit unsettling for our family. The likelihood of similar complications as AJ are slim, but the probability of anencephaly the first time through was around 4 out of every 10,000 pregnancies.  But what I must rest in, sit and dwell in, is God's providence. Would I have ever prayed that God would allow my beautiful son to be "knit together in the secret place" and then go straight home to Him? Well, frankly no, but now, I can say, if that is what it takes to bring my heart closer to God's heart, then let it be. With each passing day, loss seems to make more and more sense to me. This earth is not my home, Heaven is my home. My AJ is home forever. Could I have asked for a bigger blessing from my Father? With that perspective, it seems silly for me to even ask Him to leave this unborn child here instead of calling him or her home. The funny thing about God is He knows it hurts me to not be near AJ. He always knows my heart and He knows I desperately want this next baby to stay here with us, but trusting in His timing and His will, I am called to leave it all up to Him. And my simple system of rating life events as good or bad, based on my comfort, is not God's system. There is no feedback form where I circle whether I "agree", "disagree" or am "not sure" on what God is doing in my life. Sure, those emotions are natural, but I don't want my life to be directed by my emotions (which are often finicky, at best) but rather relying on the truths He lays out before me. And as I choose to relax, let my guard down to trust Him, I am reminded of my new favorite song by Laura Story, Blessings:

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while,
You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

I praise God that He desires for me to share my heart with Him.

Drawing closer to God's heart,

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for sharing this Paula, you know I can relate, and am pondering each word of your post.
    God has blessed you with an eternal perspective. Continue in it!
    Love you!